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"Eye Contact"
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
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Today's Quote
"God does not owe us an explanation for everything. Besides, explanations don't take away the pain. Even when we know why a tragedy happens, it still hurts. It is more helpful to ask 'How' and 'What.' How can I grow from this situation, and what does God want me to learn from it?"
- Rick Warren
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Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000's:
"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, lots of fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outdoor magazine."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
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A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car
and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde
convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with
your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few
more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure
enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds
looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands
the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I
first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole
thing."
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Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs
with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
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Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a
list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used
carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
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Thanks to WS: Cowboy Boots!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy
boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even
with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a
sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them
on. She managed to keep her cool as together they
worked to get the boots back on, this time on the
right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit
her tongue rather than get right in his face and
scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they
got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,
she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are
your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
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Thanks to TC: WARNING!
A new scam is being pulled with mainly older men
targeted. What happens is that when you stop for a red
light a young, nude woman comes up and starts washing
your windshield. While she is doing this, an
accomplice opens your back door and steals anything in
the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7
times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to
find them on Sunday.