"According to a new poll, 81 percent of Americans think the
country is on the wrong track. The other 19 percent own gas
stations." -Conan O'Brien
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Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in
rural
a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the
trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers
explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming
toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she
said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench
crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"
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My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office to get
our marriage license. After recording the vital information;
names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license
and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
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Multitude of Illnesses
Our neighbor used the word hypochondriac to describe the phase her teen-age daughter was going though.
One day the girl was convinced that the pain on her left side was appendicitis.
Her mother explained that the appendix is on the right.
"So that's why it hurts to much," her daughter said. "My appendix is on the wrong side."
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"Transcribing Confusion"
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
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Oneliner
"Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves."
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CleanPun - "Giuseppe Spomdalucc"
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
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”Birthing Spa”
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight. "What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"
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Long Marriage
I met a man who had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy
marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big
decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
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"Adam Carolla was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars' last
night. How do you vote off a guy who makes an entrance on
a unicycle?" -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Great news for
Bloomberg is planting a million trees in
It's all part of the city's plan to revitalize the city's
logging industry." -Dave Letterman
***
"A new article in 'Newsweek' is out talking about what it's
like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who's an
atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are
a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don't
know why." -Jay Leno
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We are fortunate our grand-children live close by and visit
us often.
When our seven-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, comes over,
she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking.
"Oma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"
She told her that she learned from her mother and passed on
this knowledge to her daughter. Someday, she continued, her
mother will pass on this knowledge to her.
There was a short silence, "No, I don't think so," Morgan
said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."
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A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on
the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said,
"Excuse me ma'am but I need to speak to your husband. Can you
tell me where he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and
look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
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At the Border
Flying home after visiting her daughter in
arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the
crossing between the
husband was asked, "What is your reason for entering the
country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"
He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport
after her trip to
Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions
in the same business-like tone: "Is the house clean?" and
"Are there fresh flowers on the table?"
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From the Heart
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to buzz off.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
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Most Worthless New Inventions
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
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Unspeakable
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."