Legal Eyesight
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit
this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I plainly saw him take the goods."
The lawyer asked again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are
you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asked, "Sam, listen: you are 80 years old
and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see
at night?"
Sam replied, "I can see the moon -- how far is that?"
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Haikus for the Workplace
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
ABORTED effort:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
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Overheard on Dear Abby
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
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What it "Really" Means
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"
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"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be-
tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the
on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush
commented on this today, he said, 'Why do we need our kids
to find the
***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my
fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be
home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with-
out me!" -David Letterman
***
"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that
is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was im-
mediately hired to co-host The View." -Craig Ferguson
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Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning
routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had
time to stop for a take-out coffee.
I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had
not only left it running but had locked it!
The day was going from bad to worse.
I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to
the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom.
I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back
door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the
clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..."
"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can
unlock my van with a broom."
"No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on
inside out."
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My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that
stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age
65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now
108."
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PARENT
Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone
just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of
all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due
when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will
help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do...or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
** AND A FOOTNOTE ? **
THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **
If you are fortunate enough you will become grandparents!