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How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
~ Repaint your entire house every month.
~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.
~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.
~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
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An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on
St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic
diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave
you a sham rock."
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Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.
The third guy said," I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said,
"Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns there."
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Good Morning,
Just a little young and innocent humor to start the day off. We get old or older and forget how innocent and honest little ones are to life. May God bless you with a good day today. Barbara
1. NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2. HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
3. OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read," The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
4. KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
5. MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
6. POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" Yes,that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
7.POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
8. ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
9. DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
10. DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
11. SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk."
12. BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."