Tickets
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
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Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!).
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A Texas millionaire
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you." "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
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Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
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Montana Dumb Laws
- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. - It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. - Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. - In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. - It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. - Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits. - Helena: No item may be thrown across a street. - Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. - Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground. - Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
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Could Noah build his ark today?
If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. "First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. "When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. "Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. "Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. "And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
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College Students and Thanksgiving
The Top Ten Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to
Thanksgiving Break and Going Home for the Holidays:
10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than
a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.
9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and
stuffing with an ice cream scooper.
8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.
7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to
the bathroom will not be delayed by having to run down a
long hallway, only to find you must wait in line.
6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car,
bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell ... okay, even if it is for
only four days.
5. To eat your meals, the only trek you'll have to make is
from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the
dining hall in below freezing weather.
4. Instead of listening to "When I first started teaching
here..." you can be entertained by "When your mother was
your age..." and "During the Depression we weren't lucky
enough to have Brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford
was the sprout!"
3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than
popped in your microwave.
2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.
And, the number one reason college students are looking
forward to Thanksgiving...
1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!
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If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely
to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track record.