You Know You're Too Hi-Tech If
- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
- You call your son's beeper to let him know that it is time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
- You chat several times a day with someone from
- Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
- Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
- You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email
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Perspective
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
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Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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Hardware Store Sign
My local hardware store puts its customers in their place
before they even enter. The sign on the door reads:
"Shoes required, because you might hurt yourself. Shirts
required, because you're not as good-looking as you think."
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"Please, your honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an
anxious looking man.
"Why should I excuse you," asked the judge.
"You see, there's a man to whom I owe fifty dollars and he's leaving in a
few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch
him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who
can lie like that."
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Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on
the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about
alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat
broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group
for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out
to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
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"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a
dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement." - Snoopy
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Old Dog
Who says an old dog can’t learn new tricks?
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
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Chocolate Math for 2008 *
Guessing your age through chocolate?
[This is pretty neat how it works out... DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST... It takes less than a minute... Work this out as you read... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out...]
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (try for more than once but less than 10) ...
2. Multiply this number by 2 ...
3. Add 5 ...
4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator ...
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758 *; If you haven't, add 1757 *...
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born ...
You should have a three digit number ...
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have chocolate each week) ...
The next two numbers equal ...
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES IT IS!!!)
Don't believe us, eh? Verify it with this Excel Chocolate Math Spreadsheet...
* Number dependent on Year
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"Say what you want about the president, but he didn't become
the president to make friends. He became president because
the White House has a bowling alley in the basement."
--Jimmy Kimmel
***
"
while children are in the car with you. Do you think that
will do much good? Which is worse? The smoke in the car or
the air in
***
"
pageant for nuclear power plant workers. Apparently last
year's winner had the most beautiful three eyes they've
ever seen." --Conan O'Brien
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A friend and his wife were considering traveling to
for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He
kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log
cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog
team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civil-
ization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
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It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a
prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas
gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the
wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is
apprehended by a policeman.
He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman
that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law
states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."
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Calling in Sick
My co-worker was being let go due to a nasty habit he had of not
always showing up for work. As the union steward, I was preparing to
argue on his behalf when he took matters into his own hands and
insisted, "But I really WAS sick this time!"
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"Location Question"
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at
"Is that in
"The
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."