No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the
roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I
slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all
over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud,
Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet
shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a
second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
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Why God made MomsBRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!Why did God make mothers?1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.2. Mostly to clean the house.3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.How did God make mothers?1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.What ingredients are mothers made of?1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?1. We're related2 God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.What kind of little girl was your mom?1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.3. They say she used to be nice.What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?1. His last name.2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?Why did your mom marry your dad?1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.2. She got too old to do anything else with him.3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.Who's the boss at your house?1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.What's the difference between moms & dads?1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.What does your mom do in her spare time?1. Mothers don't do spare time.2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.What would it take to make your mom perfect?1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
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Christmas Story
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
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Momma said ...
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
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Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
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The Night Before Christmas (Legal Style)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did
occur at a certain improved piece of real property
(hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all
creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had
been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the
hope and/or belief that St. Nick aka St. Nicholas aka Santa
Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the
aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams,
wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not
limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did dance,
cavort, and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of
the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter
"Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period
of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did
occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and
appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain
disruption of unknown nature, cause, and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window
in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with
some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was,
the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction,
and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and
Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and
belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle,
and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the
roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the
vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was
heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of
unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation
or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the
chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially
covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a
large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation
of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the
chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to
the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his
nose and flew, rose, and/or ascended up the chimney of the
House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or
served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and
Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear
Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to
all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
"Potato Problem"
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen."
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?"
To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
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Illustration - "Apprehension" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file cards.
When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.
On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new card, which he taped to my computer.
It read "Breathe."
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Here's an interesting bit of news. I recently picked up a
part time job. Not that I really NEED the work, I just sort
of fell into it. I guess you could call me an assistant-
assistant greens-keeper at the Stony Creek Golf Course in
Chicago Ridge, Illinois.
My primary job is to maintain the sand traps around the
golf course by raking them. I do this by playing the course
and hitting my golf ball into every single sand trap on the
course. They don't actually pay me to perform this job, but
there are other benefits like sunburn, heat stroke and a
nice set of calluses from handling the rake.
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I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was
oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found
a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.
"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
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A woman desperately seeking a good housekeeper interviewed
a husky girl who recently came from Lapland. The dialogue
was as follows:
"Can you do fancy cooking?"
"NO."
"Plain cooking?"
"NO."
"Can you sew?"
"NO."
"General housework?"
"NO."
"What can you do?"
"I milk reindeer."
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The One Sunday
It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
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Using the FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher. The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave. The phone rings at the neighbor's house. "Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?" "Sure Did!" "Did they chop your firewood?!" "Yep!" "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"