Oneliner
"Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic."
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"Clinic Sign"
From a sign at the blod donor clinic - "Sorry to needle you. We need your blood."
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Open and Shut CaseNathan is talking to his lawyer. "Here's the deal, Frank. If you're absolutely sure I'll win the case, I'll give you the business.""Okay," replies Frank, "but before I can give you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."So Nathan goes into great detail about his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you've heard everything, do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?""Well," replies Frank, "from what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you will win. It's rare to have such an open-and-shut case."Nathan goes very white when he hears this."What's the matter?" asks Frank."I told you my partner's side of the case," replies Nathan.
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"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna
put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But
first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of
the map so it won't fall down." --Mitch Hedberg
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"The method preferred by most balding men for making them-
selves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when
the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long
and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that
looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large
tropical spider." --Dave Barry
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"I announced to my wife I was going to the supermarket with
her the next time she went because the stuff she kept
bringing home was not fully in the spirit of American junk
food. While she was off squeezing melons, I made for the
junk food section. The breakfast cereals alone could have
occupied me for most of the afternoon. There must have been
two hundred types. The most immediately arresting was a
cereal called Cookie Crisp, which tried to pretend it was
a nutritious breakfast but was really just chocolate chip
cookies that you put in a bowl and ate with milk. Brilliant."
--Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself."
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No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the
roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I
slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all
over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud,
Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet
shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a
second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
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No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the
roof on my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I
slipped and fell flat on my face getting black goop all
over my shirt, my pants, even my hair. Hearing the thud,
Dad looked up. "What happened?"
I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet
shot out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a
second time.
"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."
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Why God made MomsBRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!Why did God make mothers?1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.2. Mostly to clean the house.3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.How did God make mothers?1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.What ingredients are mothers made of?1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?1. We're related2 God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.What kind of little girl was your mom?1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.3. They say she used to be nice.What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?1. His last name.2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?Why did your mom marry your dad?1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.2. She got too old to do anything else with him.3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.Who's the boss at your house?1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.What's the difference between moms & dads?1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.What does your mom do in her spare time?1. Mothers don't do spare time.2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.What would it take to make your mom perfect?1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
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Momma said ...
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
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Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
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Friends
A husband and wife were fighting over something trivial.
However, both of them adhered to their own positions without
budging an inch, and since yelling at each other wasn't
about to solve the problem, they decided they would each ask
10 friends to come, and they would ask the 20 people to act
as a jury.
The husband got 10 of his best friends to come right away.
Meanwhile, the wife got all 10 of his friends' wives.
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Sex Education
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Vernie hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Vernie, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
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Stop Following Me!
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP! He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin. ... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"
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How to look busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances. Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey. Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria. ==== Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!" ==== Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior. Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia. ==== Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet. Reality: You are playing Tetris. ==== Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department. Reality: You are paying your electric bill. ==== Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual. Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual. ==== Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought. Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"