Thanks to JLH: One Liners
** How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat
before it's no longer a healthy choice?
** If you want a happy and healthy horse do you have
to have a stable environment?
** If it weren't for 50 percent of the people would
the other 50 percent be everybody?
** Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?
** Is it true that God made you a unique
individual.... just like everyone else?
** Is time really just God's way of keeping
everything from happening at once?
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** Female Golfing Terms **
** Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.
** Double Bogie: "Casablanca" followed by "African
Queen."
** Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to
lunch.
** Greens: Lunch we eat when we'd really love a
cheeseburger.
** Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own
shirts.
** Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty
much anything.
** Slice: "No thanks. . .just a sliver." road trip.
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to JLH: GRANDPARENT STORIES
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and
proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was
THAT?"
***
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this
in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"
***
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are
we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
***
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
father's keyboard. She told him she was writing a
story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know,"
she replied. "I can't read."
***
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the
door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these yourself!"
***
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's
wife,"
***
Our five-year-old son couldn't wait to tell his father
about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling,
my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark
replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
***
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them
before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
***
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear,
Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
***
A second grader came home from school and said to her
mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y"
to "i" and add 'es'" (What English teacher wouldn't
love that one?)
***
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up
is soldiers in your cup!
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third
child brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant.
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And the Last Laugh -- from this compilation of humor
from JLH -- ***
Subject: Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the
young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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Top 10 things a Teenage daughter Want to Hear
10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car
insurance."
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our
double date?"
8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life
in it."
7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday
night."
6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."
5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar
of coins."
4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."
3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a
purse for you on my way home."
2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that
you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."
1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."
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"Missing Bags"
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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Complaints
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am
so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea,
arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the
eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What
don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
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Oneliner
"The income tax form has been simplified beyond all understanding."
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CleanPun - "Parts of Me"
"I may not be funny but parts of me are humerus."