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THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limit's as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walksinto the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music.15. Your eyes won't get much worse.16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER1. Sag, You're it.2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.4. Kick the bucket.5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose.7. Simon says something incoherent.8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners.
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KERRY
As a veteran of World War Two,
My life has grown somewhat scary,
From what is bound to ensue,
If our next president is John Kerry.
He is weak of National defense!
His thoughts of how to handle our taxes
Just doesn't make any good sense.
He wants to chop us with new tax axes
He is soft on homosexuals marrying
And many other things if I had the time.
If elected, the load we'll be carrying
Will make our lives far from sublime.
He speaks from both sides of his mouth,
At the same time, which is difficult to do.
He's the north end of a donkey headed south, That's why I'm afraid of what might ensue.
Yes, if he should make the presidency
In this year of two thousand and four,
If, in the white house he takes up residency I'll be frightened about what lies in store.
(Just as I would have been with Gore.)
By L.B. Strawn
March 8, 2004
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Thanks to CRJ: Pick Up Line
A very elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Thanks to LBS: New 2005 California State Employee HandbookDer New 2005 California State Employee Handbook
By Arnold Schwarzenegger
SICK DAYS
Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year.
Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes, and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-betveen, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-verkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare cases vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled in da late afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom.
Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door vill open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders"
category.
Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Tank you, DER GOVERNATER
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SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just aslong as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
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A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some one has got my pen."***************Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do youthink is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simplyreplied, "No peer pressure."***************The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.******************
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
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I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.I had amnesia once -- or twice.I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.What if there were no hypothetical questions?One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.How can there be self-help "groups"?Is there another word for synonym?Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?The speed of time is one-second per second.Is it possible to be totally partial?What's another word for thesaurus?Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.
EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN
THAT HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
ONE YEAR LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT
HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE
YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.
BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.
HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL
NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY
GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T.
I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN
ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."