Minnesota WintersSome engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the IA, MN border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in IA but in MN.After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these MN winters."
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”Golf Ransom”
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap.
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The
teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to
give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher.
"When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that
morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon.
We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple
was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her
husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty
pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."
Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all
seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."
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The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the
department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this
reply:
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by
age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
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"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis
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"Gold Watch"
A boss to a retiree:
"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
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CleanQuote
"Fear imprisons, Faith liberates; Fear paralyzes, Faith empowers; Fear disheartens, Faith encourages; Fear sickens, Faith heals; Fear makes useless, Faith makes serviceable; and most of all, Fear puts hopelessness at the heart of life, while Faith rejoices in it's God." - Henry Emerson Fosdick.
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"Personal Contact"
Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different departments.
However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.
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KangaroosA kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
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Do You Remember
The 2 building, 3-rooms total country school near Council Bluffs, IA where I attend K – 6 came equipped with two such treacherous structures as are described below ... boys’ & girls’ as you might expect! Ah yes, those were the good ole days! Fortunately, they came with TP, not Sears catalogs or corn-cobs. The education at this school, unlike the restrooms, was the best!
The Passing of the Backhouse
This poem has been attributed James Whitcomb Riley.
When memory keeps me company and moves to smile or tears,A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years,Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more,And hurrying feet a path had made, straight to its swinging door.Its architecture was a type of simple classic art,But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part.And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh,To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy.We had our posey garden that the women loved so well;I loved it too, but better still I loved the stronger smellThat filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer,And told the night-o'ertaken tramp that human life was near.On lazy August afternoons it made a little bowerDelightful, where my grandsirer sat and whiled away an hour.For there the summer mornings, its very cares entwined,And berry bushes reddened in the streaming soil behind.All day fat spiders spun their webs to catch the buzzing fliesThat flitted to and from the house, where Ma was baking pies;And once a swarm of hornets bold had built their palace there,And stung my unsuspecting Aunt -- I must not tell you where.My father took a flaming pole -- that was a happy day --He nearly burned the building up, but the hornets left to stay.When summer bloom began to fade and winter to carouse,We banked the little building with a heap of hemlock boughs.But when the crust is on the snow and sullen skies were gray,Inside the building was no place where one could wish to stay.We did our duties promptly, there one purpose swayed the mind;We tarried not, nor lingered long, on what we left behind.The torture of the icy seat would make a Spartan sob,For needs must scrape the flesh with a lacerating cob,That from a frost-encrusted nail suspended from a string --My father was a frugal man and wasted not a thing.When Grandpa had to "go out back" and make his morning call,We'd bundle up the dear old man with a muffler and a shawl.I knew the hole on which he sat -- 'twas padded all around,And once I tried to sit there -- 'twas all too wide I found,My loins were all too little, and I jack-knifed there to stay,They had to come and get me out, or I'd have passed away,My father said ambition was a thing that boys should shun,And I just used the children's hole 'til childhood days were done.And still I marvel at the craft that cut those holes so true,The baby's hole, and the slender hole that fitted Sister Sue,That dear old country landmark; I tramped around a bit,And in the lap of luxury my lot has been to sit,But ere I die I'll eat the fruits of trees I robbed of yore,Then seek the shanty where my name is carved upon the door.I ween that old familiar smell will soothe my jaded soul,I'm now a man, but none the less I'll try the children's hole.