Today's hUMOR

"Forced Landing"

A flight instructor was sent out to help a student who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he landed in the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the student, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the student explained, "but in order to leave room for you to land, I had the farmer tow me here."

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"I heard that the New Orleans football team has a new sponsor, "I Can't Believe it's not Butter." Their theme song will be, "When the Saints Go Margarine."
~Gary Hallock

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"It's no longer a question of staying healthy - it's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason

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"Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others."
~Groucho Marx

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"Horseshoe Impression"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

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Missing Homework

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher decided to
investigate.

"What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well... yes, it is." replied Carol, reluctantly. "I was
stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do,"
said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold
the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder.
"You see, the plane was hijacked."

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A SENSITIVE WIFE

This gal is sitting at home alone when she hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. She asks if there is a problem. 

One of the deputies asks if she is married, and if so, can he see a picture of her husband. 

The gal says "sure" and shows him a picture of her husband.

 

The sheriff looks at the picture and says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your husband's been hit by a truck." 

The gal says, "I know, but he has a great personality and is an excellent dish washer