!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
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Today's CleanLaugh. - "License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Today's Quote
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
- Henry Ford
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"Annoyances"
1. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
2. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." What good is a stupid cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
3. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, I paid $12.00 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
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(With apologies to my personal physician... Of course this
doesn't apply to you! :) )
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want
to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if
you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news
is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty
percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper
and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I
don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going
to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off
their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't
buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out
what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third
one this week! I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." --
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm
off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have
my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss
me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a
interview for a good paying job. The company boss
asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked
it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken
it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the
job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift
horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The
next day, he went in and asked why he got the job,
even though he got such a simple question wrong. The
boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the
closest..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A New Hospital Wing
Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local
hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this
is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot
of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face
on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it anyway...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing
of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the
nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but
the guy standing next to me was the only male to
venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I
asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked
what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor
tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her
at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two
drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.