********************************
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat,
learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer,
the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at
snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer
and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and
spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
********************************
Haircut Request
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"
********************************
Educational Values
This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We are shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."
********************************
Looking My Best
I saw him in the church building for the first time on Wednesday. He was in his mid-70's, with thinning silver hair and a neat brown suit. Many times in the past I had invited him to come. Several other Christian friends had talked to him about the Lord and had tried to share the good news with him.
He was a well-respected, honest man with so many characteristics a Christian should have, but he had never put on Christ, nor entered the doors of the church. "Have you ever been to a church service in your life?" I had asked him a few years ago. We had just finished a pleasant day of visiting and talking.
He hesitated. Then with a bitter smile he told me of
his childhood experience some fifty years ago. He was
one of many children in a large impoverished family.
His parents had struggled to provide food, with little
left for housing and clothing. When he was about ten,
some neighbors invited him to worship with them.
The Bible Study class had been very exciting! He had
never heard such stories before! He had never heard
anyone read from the Bible!
After class was over, the teacher took him aside and
said, "Son, please don't come again dressed as you are
now. We want to look our best when we come into God's
house."
He stood in his ragged, un-patched overalls looking at
his dirty bare feet, he answered softly, "No, ma'am, I
won't ever."
"And I never did," he said, abruptly ending our
conversation. There must have been other factors to
have hardened him so, but this experience formed a
significant part of the bitterness in his heart.
I'm sure that Sunday School teacher meant well. What
if she had put her arms around the dirty, ragged
little boy and said, "Son, I am so glad you are here,
and I hope you will come every chance you get to hear
more about Jesus."
I reflected on the awesome responsibility a teacher or
Elders or a parent has to welcome little ones in His
name. I prayed that I might be ever open to the
tenderness of a child's heart, and that I might never
fail to see beyond the appearance and behavior of a
child to the eternal possibilities within.
Yes, I saw him in the church house for the first time
on Wednesday. As I looked at that immaculately dressed
old gentleman lying in his casket, he was looking his
best! I thought of the little boy of long ago. I could
almost hear him say, "No, ma'am, I won't ever."
And I wept.
-------------------
Pilot and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in
sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American
Airlines Pilot from Dallas."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with
his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He
stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor
of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a
pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and
I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter,
"while you preached - - people slept; while he flew -
- people prayed."
********************************
Mechanic
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door.
"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "Nae," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we dae hae a MacArdle and a MacKay."