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One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
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From our archive -- From a Friend (and a wise one, at
that...)
Former president Clinton noticed a group of boys surrounding a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the president was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the president was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.
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Thanks to CRJ in The SUSQUEHANNA SENTINEL: SHE KNEW TOO MUCH BIBLE
A little girl was invited by a priest to attend religious instruction. She refused, saying it would be against her father’s wishes. The priest said that since he was a religious instructor, she should obey him, not her father. "Oh, Sir," she replied, "We are taught in the Bible to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother."
"But I am your spiritual Father," said to priest -- to which she replied, "No. The Bible says, ‘Call no man your father upon the earth for one is your Father, which is in heaven.’"
The priest was not anxious to lose a religious discussion to one so young. He said, "You have no business reading the Bible."
"But," she replied, "Then why did Jesus say, ‘Search the Scriptures’?" He answered, "But that command is only to the clergy. Surely you know that a little child cannot understand the Scriptures." "Then why,"
she asked, "did Paul say to Timothy: ‘From a child thou hast known the holy Scriptures’?"
Surely there was some way to get the best of this young upstart. Said the priest, "Timothy was being trained to be a bishop and he was taught by the church authorities." "No, sir," said the little girl. "He had been taught by his mother and his grandmother. At least, that’s what Paul said."
The priest turned away and someone said they heard him mutter, "She knows enough Bible to poison a whole parish." --author unknown (Adapted from The Key Word, Memphis, Tennessee)
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Thanks to a good friend -- Don't Underestimate A First Grader
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless. A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you:
Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader Never underestimate the power of...termites You can lead a horse to water but...how?
Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty
No news is...impossible
A miss is as good as a...Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new...math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning Love all, trust...me The pen is mightier than the...pigs An idle mind is...the best way to relax Where there's smoke there's...pollution Happy the bride who...gets all the presents A penny saved is...not much Two's company, three's...the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...
you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as...Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way And the favourite...
Better late than...pregnant
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From ANDYCHAPS:
** "There is no better opportunity to receive more than to be thankful for what you already have.
Thanksgiving opens the windows of opportunity for ideas to flow your way." Jim Rohn **
** Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein **
** "It's the constant and determined effort that breaks down all resistance and sweeps away all obstacles." -- Claude M. Bristol **
** Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to
follow where they lead. - Louisa May Alcott, Author
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George had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out his Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Mary, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. To my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
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Customer Guide to Supermarket Checkout
1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and
bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a
futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your
checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.
2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S
THE LAW!!!
3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items,
always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the
people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU
can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that
when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all
that time looking for one and not finding any.
5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to
make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure
just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more
time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever
asked this question at a grocery store.
6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing
paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should
fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is
liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.
7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to
lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the
checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how
smart those clerks are.
8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always
remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.
9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers
are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that
night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you
might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of
wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life.
After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
10. Don't forget rule NO. 8
11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally
your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is
needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.
12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel
pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite -- but
you don't have to.
13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a
light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You
don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.
14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't,
tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because
they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.