Change is Good?Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped."Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this.""Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
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One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny
town got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years."
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Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
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Choose a Punishment
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
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Debate About the Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: "I define myself to be on the outside."
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Only in the South
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in the South.There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.People actually grow and eat okra.Fixinto is one word.There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."Djeet? is actually a word meaning "Did you eat?"You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.YOU KNOW YOUR FROM THE SOUTH IF:You measure distance in minutes.You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.You know what a "DAWG" is.You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World" or praying at the "Church of Sam" if you go every Sunday.You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"Fried catfish is the other white meat.We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from the South (and those who just wish they were).Not EVERYONE can be a Southerner, it's an art form and a gift from God!