A new hair salon opened up for business right across the
street from the old established hair cutter's place.
The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that
read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own
sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
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After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa
was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an
empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked
at the young man and thought This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if
he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from
this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish
district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew
in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and
Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to
Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many
Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the
Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow
like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The
Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married
a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a
businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that
his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from
Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed
his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to
change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do,
Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it
that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."
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At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies
considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question: "Was this
person a steady worker?"
Since the guy was a well known do-nothing, I entered in the space provided,
"Not just steady, but motionless."
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Parachuting
On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made
an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet."
One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?
"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people
on the ground."
She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if
there's no one there I know"?
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"Facilities Memo"
My colleagues and I recently received this email from the facilities department:
"Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday.
Please dress accordingly."
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CleanQuote
"God does not ask your ability or your inability. He asks only your availability."
- Mary Kay Ash
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"Forgiveness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant recently. "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked.
"Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied.
"Don't you mean hysterical?"
"No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."
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"Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try to stick a penny
into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded." - Tim Allen