"Government Pipe Specifications"
Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
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CleanQuote
"You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut."- Sally Berger
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Illustration - "Arrest Mistake" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the right thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." "I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Marathon FootballAfter spending all day Sunday watching football games on television, a man fell asleep in his lounge chair, spending the entire night in there.His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called."In whose favor?"
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"A new poll shows only 1 out of 4 people approve of the job
President Bush is doing. That means when he's having dinner
with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the
table who thinks he's doing a good job." -Jay Leno
***
"Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She's working hard,
preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today, in
Arizona, we heard she shot a donkey." -David Letterman
***
"The much-anticipated vice presidential debate takes place
tomorrow night. Sen. Joe Biden faces off with Alaska Gov.
Sarah Palin. Even though she's not expected to do well in
the debate, she is favored heavily in Friday's swimsuit
competition." -Jimmy Kimmel
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Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the
expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining
about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be
much lower."
My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying
an airline just to get free peanuts."
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As the horror movie was about to reach its terrifying con-
clusion, the young woman began fidgeting in her seat next
to her date.
The man sitting behind her leaned forward and inquired,
"Excuse me. Are you feeling hysterical?"
"No," she whispered. "He's feeling mine."
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Bank Line
With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was
standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to
fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned
and asked the woman behind me.
"It's the fifth," she replied.
A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in
yet!"
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All the Cookies
The teacher asked Mary, “If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?” Mary immediately answered, “Seven!” The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?” “You really think I would give David any of my cookies?”
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Long Marriage
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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Tiger Woods
One day, when a golfer was playing golf, some tourists pointed and said 'Tiger Woods!! Tiger Woods!!' The golfer was happy for a split second before a tiger came out of the woods and ate him up.
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Not Seen
The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
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Weird News
Stolen cash allegedly used to pay fine
INYOKERN, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in Inyokern, Calif., say five men were charged with stealing up to $8,000 from the walls of a restaurant after one used the bills to pay a court fine. Investigators said one of the alleged thieves used 10 bills, which had been marked by Homestead customers before being tacked to the restaurant's wall, to pay a fine and the money was recognized by a clerk, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday. Police said they have recovered about $1,000 of the money that once decorated the walls of the Homestead. "Part of the place's charm was all the old bills, all the memories," said Michael Scott, senior deputy in the Kern County sheriff's office. "Everybody in town knew exactly where they came from." Officers said one of the alleged thieves also was found to have Homestead thumbtacks stuck in the sole of one of his shoes.
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Police: Education official stole ketchup
ORANGE, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities said a trustee with California's Orange Unified School District has been charged with stealing a bottle of ketchup from a university cafeteria. Sgt. Dan Adams of the Orange Police Department said trustee Steve Rocco was detained by Chapman University public safety officers after he allegedly took the ketchup bottle from the cafeteria at about 10:30 a.m. Saturday, the Riverside (Calif.) Press-Enterprise reported Tuesday. "One of the security guards saw him take a 14-ounce bottle of ketchup off of one of the tables," Adams said. "He concealed it and started to ride away on a bike." Adams said Rocco was detained by campus security while Orange police were called. Rocco was cited on a charge of petty theft and released. He could face a fine of up to $250.
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66.6 mile marker repeatedly stolen
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- The New Jersey Turnpike Authority said a metal sign at mile marker 66.6 has been stolen at least four times in the past two years. Joe Orlando, a spokesman for the authority, said officials have no idea who has been stealing the signs, WABC-TV, New York, reported Tuesday. "Maybe it's just some kids with a devil-may-care attitude," Orlando said. He said the mile marker, which costs about $50 to replace each time it is stolen, is located in a sparsely populated area that is far from entrances or exits to the highway. "Given the symbolism of the number and the fact that it is obviously done in the middle of night, and in the middle of nowhere, I can safely say that I'm not eager to meet the rocket scientists doing it," Orlando said. The number 666 is is the "Number of the Beast" in the Book of Revelation in the New Testament.
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Cow costume clad woman gets jail
MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (UPI) -- A Middletown, Ohio, court has sentenced a woman to a month in jail after she admitted to chasing children and blocking traffic while dressed as a cow. Michele Allen, 32, pleaded guilty to one count of disorderly conduct after police said she dressed as a cow Saturday night and chased children after urinating on a neighbor's porch, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported Tuesday. Allen was ordered by an officer to go home and remain there for the evening, but later in the evening authorities received a call that a woman in a cow costume was blocking traffic. Police said she had alcohol on her breath when an officer arrived and she shouted and swore at the officer. She was sentenced to one month in the Middletown Jail.
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Lucrative Occupations
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"