My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office to get
our marriage license. After recording the vital information;
names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed me our license
and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
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Help Is On The WayMy friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the computer workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
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The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently
mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If
anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and
it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."
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Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."
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911
911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
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Things To Ponder
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. - Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up." - Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"? - You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. - A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? - The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed! - A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad."
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Kiss per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle,
my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was
terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him
calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
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As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of
classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were
required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file
cards.
When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I
taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.
On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately
noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new
card, which he taped to my computer.
It read "Breathe."
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"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife." -
Daniel Boone
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Census Taker
An elderly man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. I'm a census taker."
"A what?" the older man asked.
"A census taker... We are trying to find out how many people are in this country."
"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."
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Note PadWith four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"
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"According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of
women can't remember their natural hair color. You know what
you call these women? Blondes." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, President Bush met with Chinese President Hu
Jintao, and Hu invited Bush to the 2008 Summer Olympics in
China. Bush told the president, 'I'm busy next year, but
pencil me in for 2009.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"If I seem distracted, it's because I'm busy planning for
the first Sunday of football. I've dropped my kids off at
the orphanage this morning. I'll pick them up in February,
just after the pro bowl." -Jimmy Kimmel
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Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in
rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when
a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the
trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers
explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming
toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she
said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench
crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"