You Know You Have a Bad Computer When...
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch A Sketch"
on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of
cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"
6. The only chip inside came from a bag of Doritos.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start
howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. The screen frequently freezes and a message comes up:
"Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
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The Lexus
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
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Wrapping Presents with a Cat
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present. 2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door. 3. Open door and remove cat from closet. 4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. 6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . . 7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. 8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string. 9. Remove present from bag. 10. Remove cat from bag. 11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. 12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. 13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat. 14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight. 15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper. 16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in. 17. Place present on paper. 18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat. 19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape. 20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. 21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon. 23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. 24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase. 25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper. 26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper. 27. Put present in box, and tie down with string. 28. Remove string, open box and remove cat. 29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room. 30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials. 31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock. 32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door) 33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best) 34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well. 35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable. 36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. 37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job. 38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. 39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion. 40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. 41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
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Think About It
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Never test the depth of the water with both feet. - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. - Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. - To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. - Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. - A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous. - Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. - Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. - Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. - Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. - Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
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Holidays
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. And Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays, too." "Every religion has holidays to celebrate. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holiday. It's an unfair discrimination" His friend replied..."Well, why don't you celebrate April 1st?"
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The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a
parking ticket.
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"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...
if your car could go straight upwards." --Sir Fred Hoyle
***
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of
life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did any-
one ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!" --Socrates
***
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your
life." --George Carlin