With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the
church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he
managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her
with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her
traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th
anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to
all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're
going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Brother Ralph: "I'm going back to get her."
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Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 PM.
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"Toilet Repair"
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non- plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
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Oneliner
"Irony: God made the tortoise with a 0.3 drag co-efficient."
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"Dracula"
"I just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift painstakingly.
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"Signs That Your Cat is Too Fat".
- Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Catfood dish replaced with a trough.
- Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
- It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
- Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
- Has more chins than lives.