Too much analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
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In the News
Brookpark, Ohio: Burglars recently broke in to an unoccupied
house that was being renovated for sale. Among the items
they stole were roofing shingles, a lawn mower, weed
whackers, and lumber.
They broke into a storage area under the deck and also a
shed in the back. Before leaving, though, they mowed the
lawn of the residence.
Neighbors report seeing strange men walking around the home,
but they never called the police because they figured the
men were hired to do the lawn.
The owners are quoted as saying they will leave a pressure
washer and painting equipment for the thieves next week as
they did a better job than the lawn care company they had
hired, and they were cheaper also.
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Dieting makes me hungry.
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"Fishing Advice"
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
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Oneliner
"I'm in great shape for a man of 65 years - it's too bad I'm only 42."
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CleanPun - "Tea"
George loved tea. He'd always come over for several cups. He had an insatiable thirst. He became such a nuisance that we decided to fix him.
To cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the stuff. One day we forced him to drink ten pots of tea.
As he staggered off, we laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots in a tea pest.
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Speeding RegistrationOn a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration."I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.
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”Dog Poker”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker."Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks."Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies."Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."
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Proof E equal to one
Theorem: e=1Proof:2*e = f2^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = 1 Therefore:2^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)2=fThus:e=1
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Physical training job
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers. "I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!" After a few minutes, one of the men stopped. "Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer. "If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
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100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to groundFF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the busFF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to groundFE buckets of bits on the bus
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For The Kids...
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see! Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich?Because the poor didn't have anything worth stealing! Why did Eve want to move to New York?She fell for the Big Apple! Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.School Secretary: Who is this?Pupil: This is my father speaking!
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Elderly Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old
man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that
night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."