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Words Per Day
Abraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"
Sadie replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
Abraham turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
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Communications Skills
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever.... and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die
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Wedding
Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.
All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?"
Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember.
Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"
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GCFL Note: It's highly likely that the numbers below are
off. Please don't let that kill the humor of this classic!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood,
but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of the USA is about 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do all the work.
You and me, and you're sitting on your rear, at your
computer, reading jokes!
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Exhortations & Stuff
THE FAITHFUL FEW
In every church, in every clime,
When there's some work to do,
It's very likely to be done
By just the "Faithful Few."
Many folks will help to sing,
And some are glad to talk;
But when it comes to doing things;
A lot of them will balk.
"I can't do this, I can't do that;
Excuse me, please, this time
I'd be so glad to help you out,
But it's just not in my line."
So when the brethren look about
For some who'll help to "do,"
They nearly always have to go
And ask the "Faithful Few."
They know full well they're busy, too,
And always hard at work.
Yet they are sure they'll not refuse
Not any duty shirk.
They never stop to make excuses
But always try to do
The very, very best they can
To smooth the way for you.
God bless, I pray, the "Faithful Few,"
And may their tribe increase.
They must be very precious to
The blessed Prince of Peace.
by Chester Shuler
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Searching for Witnesses
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had
struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale,
nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole."