Kitchen Help
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he
would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high
and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in
the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found
some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel,
transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the
fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting
some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who
on earth put my Jello into pop bottles?"
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"Parking Lot Speed Limit"
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"
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Today's Oneliner
"Political-campaign speeches are like horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between."
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"Compiled Baby Name Puns"
At the end of April I began sending out a bunch of baby name puns. Many of you have asked for a complete list of all that were sent out. Here you go. Thanks to those who added their own suggestions. I hope I’ve got them all.
Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Undertaker's son: Barry
Beautician's son: Curly
Gardener's daughter: Daisy
Florist's daughter: Rose
Baker's daughter: Cookie
Minister's daughter: Faith
Day-trader's daughter: Hope
Televangelist's daughter: Charity
Geneticist's son: Gene
Espresso vendor's son: Joe
Jeweler's daughter: Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter: Fanny
Butcher's daughter: Patty
Bartender's daughter: Brandy
Counterfeiter's son: Bill
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Betty
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Tennis player's son: Ace
Clothing manufacturer's daughter: Polly Esther
Teacher's son: Mark
Singer's twin daughters: Harmony & Melody
Patrolman's son: Chase
Museum curator's son: Art
Book printer's daughter: Paige
Trout fisher's daughter: Brook
Publisher's daughter: Mag
Woodworker's daughter: Peg
Manicurist's son: Hans
Athlete's son: Victor
Plumber's son: John
Accountant's son: Ira
Musician's daughter: Melody
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
Housewife's son: Dusty
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic
knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning,
goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills
are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new
knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world
history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new
knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do
you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back
into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and
plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the
student.
The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a
little hard to swallow."65