Mouse Test
Is your mouse calibrated If you’re not sure, then it’s probably not. You should do this every few weeks to ensure your getting the most performance and smoothest operation possible, especially if you spend alot of time on the computer.
Being somewhat of a tech-guy, I was shocked that this actually works. To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the “W” below. Then drag the “W” to the right. If it doesn’t work, you may need to clean your mouse.
WHAT A DUM DUM... YOU’LL BELIEVE
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dewey Check"
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see."
Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Dewey Check"
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see."
Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Work"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tight Fit
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Spin the Bottle
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin
the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could
either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke warned Congress we
may be headed for a recession. Whoa! Thank you, Captain
Obvious!" -Jay Leno
***
"The circus is in town. Earlier today, Hillary Clinton
claimed she was once shot out of a cannon." -Dave Letterman
***
"It's a great day for Mariah Carey. She broke Elvis' record
for the most No. 1 hits. Her publicist said she's bigger
than Elvis. They might want to rephrase that." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A wife and her husband attended a very important business
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned
about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his
birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ranting at Random
Old People. Stop messing with them. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time gramps figures out how to open it he'll be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
Women and their eyebrows. What’s the deal here? Why are you so obsessed with making them skinny, pointy, curved, slanted or whatever. Men don’t care. Do you have two eybrows? Great -- let's go to dinner!
Baseball cards. You know, as I kid I collected them. Heck, I think every kid collects baseball cards. The cards represent your heros, your idols, people you wanted to be like when you grew up. My problem isn’t with kids… it’s adults. Listen if you’re a grown man you’re not collecting cards, you’re collecting pictures of men. That’s a little bit weird.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Deputy Vacation
A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vacation, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.
Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”
The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring. “We’ll see!” said the other debuties. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.
They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Interstate Inspiration
Four guys are driving across country together - one from
A short ways down the road, the man from
The man from
A few miles down the road, the man from
The man from
Inspired by the others, the man from
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
And You Thought Your Job Was A Pain?
If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads:
“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain than yours.