CleanPun - "
One morning a man got up early to watch the sun rise.
As he sat in the dark it suddenly dawned on him!
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Remembering the Names
When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I
decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those
of two characters in a popular children's story.
After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying
goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get
that all the time."
They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife
asked, "What was that all about?"
"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.
"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to the couple,
"Dick and Jane?"
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High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily
ruddy complexion, the patient said, "High blood pressure,
Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," the patient replied. "It's from my wife's
family."
"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's
family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
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The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order
music company where my wife works as a customer service
representative.
Some college students, who were working part-time inputting
customer information, wrote the following notes regarding
some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles:
'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"
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Every year, English teachers from across the
their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found
in high school essays in order to have them published and
sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the
country. Recent winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling
Free.
3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a
dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disin-
tegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude
shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM
machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation
in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead
of 7:30.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after
a sneeze.
12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left
traveling west at 55 mph, the other from
p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.
13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two humming-
birds who had also never met.
15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and
she was the
16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.
20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Even though my Ecuadoran son-in-law is fluent in English, he
translates some figures of speech too literally. When I com-
mented that he and my daughter are about the same age, but
she looks much younger, he agreed.
"Yes," he said. "Some people think I stole the crib."
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Classes for Men
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.
Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.
Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials.
Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**
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Golf score
First golfer, Bill: "What was your score?"
Bob: "Seventy-two."
Bill: "That's not too bad at all!"
Bob: "Thanks! I hope I'll do better on the second hole."
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They were soooooo stupid
..They took a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
..They sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..They thought a quarterback was a refund.
..They tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..They thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..They thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..They thought General Motors was in the Army.
..They thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..They thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..Under "education" on their job application, they put "Hooked On Phonics."
..They tripped over a cordless phone.
..They spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
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Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for