Dog Newspaper
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
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Things to Do When Your ISP Is Down
1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
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Accident
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
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Escape Ape
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was The Origin of the Species, by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
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Revised Wall Street Terms
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry BROKER - What my broker has made me. BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer. FINANCIAL PLANNER - A person whose phone has been disconnected. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past week investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks. P/E RATIO -The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell. VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower. WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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Intelligent Life?
Two aliens out in space were looking down on our planet.The first alien said, “It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite-based weapons.”The second alien asked, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”“I don't think so,” the first responded. “They have the weapons aimed at themselves.”
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"Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in
California stories - elementary school students in Berkeley
are receiving a class credit for 'lunch.' Since they learn
about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that's
when you know we're getting too fat in this country, when
students are actually majoring in lunch!" --Jay Leno
***
"I was watching the movie '300' yesterday. The ancient Greek
stories are strange. The story of Odysseus is basically the
story of a long, hellish commute; and along the way, a sor-
ceress turns Odysseus' friends into pigs... which is not
really magic if you've ever been to a high school reunion."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"McDonald's is trying to compete with Starbuck's, so they're
going to start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald's
say both drinks go great with their new vente hazelnut
McRib." -Conan O'Brien
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Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter
of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to
date?"
Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside,
put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me
so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that
sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I
love her very much. If you were thinking about touching,
kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any
way, just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."
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The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later,
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"
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Phonetic Problem
Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."
It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing
the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would
come just before the sermon. He replied with the
above-mentioned hymn.
The following Sunday the bulletin read:
Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."
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The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows:Power = Work / Time Since:Knowledge = PowerTime = Money It follows that:Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get:Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.
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Telephone Conversation
"Hello" "Hello" "Is that you, Larry?" "Yes, this is Larry." "Are you sure this is Larry." "Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !" "This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?" "I'll tell Larry when he comes in."
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The Smoking Power Supply
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem. Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply. Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this. Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem. Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. [After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this] Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!] Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.