Thanks to Marti -- (Tongue-in-cheek, now) Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken.
Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal
trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
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From our archives -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:
Lost and Found
Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island. The minute they reached the shore one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?! We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week, and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My preacher will find me!
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From our archives -- Thanks to LBS for this one:
When you have nothing to say,
But still want to keep in touch,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't know what,
Or don't know how,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't know why,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't have enough time,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you are still wanted,
When you are still remembered,
When you are still important,
When you are still loved,
When you are still cared for,
Guess what you get?
A FORWARDED MAIL!
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From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)
Three ministers were sitting in a retirement home discussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and a Presbyterian. They start talking about religions other than their own that they admired the most.
The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admired the Catholics, with their formality, the architecture, the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I had not been a Presbyterian, I might have been a Catholic."
The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I've always admired the Amish, with their simple approach to life, their closeness to God and the land. If I hadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like to have been Amish."
The two then turned to their Baptist Brother who had
suddenly become very quiet. One of them asked, "Well
Brother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would you have been?"
His one word reply, "Ashamed."
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From a friend:
A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening the United States if its territory is invaded. Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities would not hesitate for a moment to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.
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Esther has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Esther figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the color of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Esther is leaving the hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car.When Esther arrives in front of God, she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
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*A Woman's Conversation About a Haircut:*
Oh! That's so cute!
Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Oh goodness no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms. See how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
*A Man's Conversation About a Haircut:*
Haircut?
Yep.
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Checks and balances
At the computer store where this clerk works, many of the suppliers insist
on being paid C.O.D. So it's no surprise when the delivery truck driver
asks for a check.
But there's a problem. "One of our suppliers installed an automated
shipping system that printed the labels for the delivery company," he says.
"They tied the system to their accounts receivable so that any prior
balance would be added to the C.O.D. amount of any current order.
"Trouble was, we had just returned a defective shipment and had a credit
balance. Our next order was for less money than the credit balance. The
system dutifully looked up our balance and printed the C.O.D. tag."
For -$38.47.
Which leaves the clerk and the driver scratching their heads. The driver
knows he can't hand over the shipment without a check. But a check for a
negative amount makes no sense.
"I called my bank and asked what would happen if I wrote a check for
-$34.87," says the clerk. "The branch manager laughed and said it wouldn't
go through their system, so go ahead. I wrote the check, gave it to the
driver and he left."
Then the phone rang. The bank manager had checked with his IT people and
they told him the bank would deposit $38.47 in my account when the check
was processed. They were in a panic!
Fortunately, the delivery company tore up the check when the driver checked in.
I wonder how much the bank spent making sure their software would no longer
accept a negative amount on a check.