"Family Togetherness"
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
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Oneliner
"What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? - An optimist."
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"Courtyard Murmuring"
On my recent trip to New York, I was walking near a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. So I looked in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said "N I L".
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to “The Great Nullity”, “The Blessed Emptiness”, and “The Big Zero in the Sky”.
I approached one of the white-robed cult members and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?”
- Stan Kegel
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A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom — you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.
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”Bat Solution”
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."
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"Waffle iron? Why on earth would you want to iron a waffle?
Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares? no,
I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course,
should always be ironed." --George Carlin
***
"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a
work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store
with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,
your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and
then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld
***
An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn
up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign
reading, "Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out
in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this
contractor will have to finish working in the dark."
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A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has
come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his
pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those
things that just fell out of your pockets?"
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm
driving."
"Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer."
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My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and
regulations that customs officials must follow. But when
it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting
a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these
allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your
honor."
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Not Going to ChurchOn a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church."I'm not going to church this morning," the son says."You have to get up and go to church", says mother."No, I'm not." says the son."Yes you are", says the mother."No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go.""Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
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Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter
family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home
very late from a party.
The next morning, her father went out to the driveway to get
the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At
11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her
father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last
night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll
have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under
the front tire of the car."
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Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
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Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! "You even sent me a Professional!"
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An Old Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
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Exchange
The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. My mother likes this outfit -- may I exchange it?