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*Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name*
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
12. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
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Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick, 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Grandfather pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; and so is my grandfather!
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An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns.Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
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A visiting minister during the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust...”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
“Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”
Church was pretty much over at that point...
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Little Old Ladies
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
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At the Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served,
the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down
and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."