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We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
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A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas.
The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said,
"Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English,
she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little furtyher along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey
maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he
said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they
walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. "Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
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Strangely enough, this is all true. I had heart bypass surgery. For recovery, they have you do an exercise program. So I go to the doctor and he asks if I have been exercising. I reply, "Yes. Religiously."
"How is it going?"
"Well, at first it was kind of tiring doing all that once a week..."
"Once a week?"
"Yeah, you know, religiously. Just like church. Every seven days."
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"Don't just count your
blessings, recognize them..."
The Mississippi River was flooding its banks and the
waters were rising around Clem's house. The waters had
gotten to the level of the front porch where Clem was
standing. A man in a rowboat came by and called to
Clem, "Hop in and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise to the second story
windows and Clem, looking out, saw a powerboat come
up. The man in the powerboat called to Clem, "Hop in
and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river had now risen to the roof of the house. Clem
was sitting on the ridge at the top of the house, with
the waters swirling around his feet. He saw a
helicoptor fly over and the people inside yelled over
a bull horn, "Grab the rope and climb in and we'll
take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise and finally it engulfed
the house and Clem was drowned. The next thing he
knew, Clem was standing before his God. In anger, he
asked God, "I put my trust in you. Why have you
forsaken me?"
And his God replied, "What do you want from me? I sent
you a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter!"
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This, too, shall pass...
One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben
Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him,
"Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to
bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives
you six months to find it."
"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,"
replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you,
but what makes the ring so special?"
"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy
man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man
looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no
such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give
his minister a little taste of humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had
no idea where he could find the ring. On the night
before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he
poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant
who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby
carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring
that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.
He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from
his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah
read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a
wide smile.
That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of
Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said
Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All
the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.
To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold
ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon
as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished
from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew
letters on the gold band: "gimel, zayin, yud", which
began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" -- "This too shall
pass."
At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom
and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but
fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but
dust.
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NEWS FLASH JUST IN FOR THE YEAR 2035. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the world’s seventh largest country, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists astounded. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran’s physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity there decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being invaded by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery occur only when February 29 falls on a Wednesday. 35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Massachusetts executes the state’s last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules any form of punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered as weapons by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Female Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with former President Hillary Clinton. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. South Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine