A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull."It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word."She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please.""And what word would that be?" inquires the man."Comfortable," replies the brunette.The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
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Brain Teaser
"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo,
if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."~Dave Allen
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Brains
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks. "
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected,
"You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman without a brain, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work."
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The Census TakerFive year old Becky answered the door when the Census Taker came by. She told the Census Taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy."My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?""Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
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[I loaned the book "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" to TZ who
read two chapters and gave it back to me declaring it the
boringest drivel he's ever read. After pointing out to him
that 'boringest' is not a word I decided to print a couple
of excerpts here just to annoy him.]
"By almost universal agreement, the most vague and ineffectual
of all American presidents was Millard Fillmore, who succeeded
to the office in 1850 upon the death of Zachary Taylor and
spent the next three years demonstrating how the country would
have been run if they had just propped Taylor up in a chair
with cushions." --Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself"
***
"Also admirable in his way was Franklin Pierce, who spent
virtually the whole of his incumbency hopelessly intoxicated,
prompting the affectionate slogan 'Franklin Pierce, the Hero
of Many a Well-Fought Bottle.'" --Bill Bryson later that same
chapter.
***
"A marmot is a varmot, but a varmot isn't necessarily a
marmot. A marmot is part of the rodent family, like a wood-
chuck or a prairiedog, whereas a varmot could be anything,
like TZ from Laff-a-day for instance." --Clean Laffs Joe
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I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if
you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a
little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make
it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again..?" I'm cured?"
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When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant.
Of course, she wwanted to know how it happened,so I gave
what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process.
She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"
I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?"
-Arbuta McKee
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Grounded
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
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More Cat Contemplation
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous
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George is so forgetful
“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back.” Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You'll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!” “See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he'd forget the sandwiches.”
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Pregnancy Q and A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?A: When the kids are in college.