Monday, July 09, 2007

hUMOR For July 9th

Thirsty Cat
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

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FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. "For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. "The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. "Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. "I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?

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Hand DryersMy pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read:"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

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Two-by-fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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Dog Who Played Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him. "Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

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Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.Please sit on the couch.Which one! Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing a spinning insect.Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a mothGet out of the way -- you're in my light!

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Police Comments

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

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An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas.
She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and
she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time,
another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This
is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who
are those two women he's with?"

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Typographical Blunders

Found in the Huron, S.D. PAY DAY: Apt. for rent: 3 br., deposit, lease. No
poets.

Ad in the New London, Conn., DAY: Medical receptionist: busy office is
searching for bright, capable self-starter. If you are cheerful and
reproductive under pressure, please send resume'.

In the classified section of the Battle Creek, Mich., ENQUIRER: Full-service
hotel looking to expand its existing food operation with a quality Sioux
chief.

The city of Staunton, Va., once issued instructions for using its voting
machines that included this passage: To correct a mistake, turn lover to
original position and make another choice.

In a Santa Rosa, CA, PRESS DEMOCRAT article on high-school football: Taylor
Frey led the Cougars on defense with eight tickles.

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"'Buffet' is a French term that means, 'Get up and get it yourself.'" - Greg
Ray

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"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"