Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as heck didn't!"
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Age Quotes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. -- Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. -- Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. -- Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. -- John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. -- Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. == Geoffrey Parfitt
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At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo
album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have
come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she
said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
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While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took
X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who
studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree
Service."
Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out
'expert.'"
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Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
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Rodents had overrun a posh private school near
the headmaster asked a health inspector to deliver a slide
presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the
situation, i.e., stow trash, no food in class, etc.
The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a
letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit.
One of the students wrote:
Dear
Thank you for coming to my school. Until I met you, I didn't know
what a rat looked like."
Sincerely,
Bobby Jones
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Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my
sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should
pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the
refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
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IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
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Painting a Porch
Wanting to earn some money, Cletus decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
Cletus said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."
A short time later, Cletus came to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" the man asked.
"Yes," Cletus answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," Cletus added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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BIBLE SALES
A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the preacher an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," said the minister who didn't want to appear to be foolish. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible
F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
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10 commandments
The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post:
Thou Shalt Not Steal
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.