How To Clean House
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework
permanently?"
6. Press the mouse button firmly .
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"Virtue" is the failure to achieve vice.
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Vet Cure
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.. Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
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When I Was Your Age
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Criminal Masterminds - New Jersey
A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it! What button won't you find in a tailors shop?Belly button! Why didn't the banana snore?Because it didn't want to wake up the rest of the bunch! What do you call a man with cow droppings all over his feet?An incowpoop!
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A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering consisted
of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The weather was
very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy should cluster
around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible.
The curate thought that it was about time he did something about this, so
next morning he said in a loud voice: "I had a strange dream last night, I
dreamt I had died and gone to hell". After a few moments of dead silence one
of the number said "and what did you find there?"
"Just the same as here" was the reply, "I couldn't get near the fire for
bishops."
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A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the
examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on
the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other
side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a
sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang
into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never
been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing
except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in
without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do
know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough."
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Calories are delicious.
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A Lawyer Named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
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Life Lesson Laws for Engineers
Law #1: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. Law #2: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm. Law #3: In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables. Law #4: The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service. Law #5: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted. Law #6: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable. Law #7: If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction. Law #8: All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0. Law #9: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete. Law #10: Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. Law #11: Interchangeable parts won't. Law #12: Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. Law #13: Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25. Law #14: Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department. Law #15: Any device requiring service or adjustment will be the least accessible. Law #16: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded. Law #17: If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. Law #18: Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field. Law #19: If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is sent through the service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor. Law #20: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. Law #21: The rule for engineers: "Change the data to fit the curve."