Monday, November 27, 2006

hUMOR For Nov. 27th

Church Signs We Have Seen

"Don't ever give up! Remember, Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's
orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've
got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," his mother replied. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave little Johnny a snack and sure
enough, little Johnny felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with
little Johnny's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.
Little Johnny perked up. "That's because it's empty," he said. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it."

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There's room for all God's creatures right next to the mashed potatoes.
+++++++++++++++++++
12 Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Turkey

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will
be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lot's Wife
Little Johnny's advice for Sunday School teachers...

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when Little Johnny interrupted.

“My Mom looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Quick Check for Alzheimer's.

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on
+++++++++++++++++++
Come with me to a third grade classroom.....
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful.

But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once, too."

I not only love the story --- I love this last quote!!

I only hope that in the coming years there will be many people with fish bowls around me!!!

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.




+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Scientist Escape"
A scientist, unjustly accused and convicted of a major crime, found himself sentenced to hard time in a prison out in the Arizona desert. His cellmate turned out to be another scientist. Determined to escape, the first man tried to convince his colleague to make the attempt with him. He refused. After careful planning the scientist made his escape.
Before long the heat of the desert, the lack of food and water, and complete disorientation in the hostile wilderness almost drove him mad. He was soon forced to return to the prison. He reported his terrible experience to the other scientist who surprised him by saying, "Yes, I know. I tried it too and failed, too, for the same reasons."
The first scientist responded bitter, "For heaven's sake, man, when you knew I was going to make a break for it, why didn't you tell me what it was like out there?"
His cellmate responded with a shrug, "Who publishes negative results?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Cute Baby"
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."