As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car withits headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it wasmy turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lotthat had its lights on and gave her the license number."Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going toannounce it?""There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
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A Dangling Participle Alert:The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighingabout 150 pounds.The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proudthat she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that wastrying to force feed it in his ear.We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cowsplaying Scrabble and reading.Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephantsarmed only with spears.<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>Here\'s good answering machine message: "Hi this is Steve. I\'m not home rightnow but you should check out Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List today."What do you think? Good idea huh? No? Perhaps you should just tell people inperson. Go ahead. Give it a try.Robeo<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>--To subscribe to The Lame Humor List, please visit Absolute Robeo,http://AbsoluteRobeo.com?ahsub and submit your email address.The The Lame Humor List is a double opt-in list and is never sent unsolicited. Thatmeans that the only way to get on this list is to subscribe and then confirm",1]
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Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proudthat she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that wastrying to force feed it in his ear.We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cowsplaying Scrabble and reading.Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephantsarmed only with spears.
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Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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"Anesthesiologist Bill"
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
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CleanQuote
"The interest span of a child is possibly thirty seconds. Higher if throwing food or annoying a small animal is involved."- Erma Bombeck
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"Taxes" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Tax his cow, tax his goat; Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his crop, tax his work; Tax his ties, tax his shirt. Tax his chew, tax his smoke; Teach him taxing is no joke. Tax his tractor, tax his mule; Tell him, "Taxing is the rule." Tax his oil, tax his gas; Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, tax him more; Tax him 'til he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb: "Taxes drove him to his doom." After he's gone, we won't relax; We'll still collect inheritance tax.
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Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean"This should be taken care of right away."- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."Well, what do we have here...?"- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue."Let me check your medical history."- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you."Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.- or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit."We have some good news and some bad news."- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."Let's see how it develops."- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."Let me schedule you for some tests."- I have a forty percent interest in the lab."I'd like to have my associate look at you."- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle."I'd like to prescribe a new drug."- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."That's quite a nasty looking wound."- I think I'm going to throw up."This may smart a little."- Last week two patients bit off their tongues."Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?"This should fix you up."- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff."Everything seems to be normal."- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."I'd like to run some more tests."- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."There is a lot of that going around."- That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.