The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The ministry."
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Eggplants
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming:
"Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four
eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching
these antics and finally asked the grocer,
"Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put
up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
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"Blockbuster Surprise"
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
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CleanQuote
"If nothing in us can win Thy love, nothing in the universe can prevent Thee from loving us. Thy love is uncaused and undeserved. Thou art Thyself the reason for the love wherewith we are loved."
- A. W. Tozer
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"Making Deals With God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Fred was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Fred looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"
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A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
phone in the kitchen rings.
"Hello," says the man answering it.
"Hi," says a high woman's voice. "This is Tiffany the
housekeeper."
"Oh," says the man. "Hi Tiffany."
"Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you'd
be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."
"What sort of a problem?"
"Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
matress, it fell out."
"Well, what's the problem, Tiffany?"
"Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just
put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"
"Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
it."
"Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
that diamond ring you've been missing."
"That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
it?"
"In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!"
"And how did you lock it?"
"First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the
housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.
"Good! And where did you put the key?"
"In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
china."
"Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.
"Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
going to be so surprised."
"Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
great housekeeper."
"Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."
"You too, Tiffany. Good night."
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
with a grin, "This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"
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Whether he's buying books online or day trading on a discount broker's site,
my 21-year-old brother Felix is constantly on the computer.
One day as we drove by a neighbor's house, we noticed they were having an
estate sale. As my brother peered at the sign in the front yard, he asked,
"What's an E-state sale?"
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For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training. It was clear
that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard
duty, he cried out, "Halt! Don't shoot, or I'll move!"
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"My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So
one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my
grandfather." - Jackie Mason