I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While
the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have
dextrocardia.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather
than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your
machine to accommodate that."
As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me,
have you had that for long?"
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Graveside Observation”
A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife's casket. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
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Closed For Good Friday
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter.
A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money? I have all my money and my mortgage here! What will happen to my mortgage?
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, "WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY".
I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close "for good" that coming Friday.
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Tax Tip
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's
something the IRS always looks for.
As an example, if you have some money left in your bank account after
paying your taxes. That's a red flag.
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Weird News
Chickens kept in high rise basement
John Hyranyaz, 62, admitted to having the mail-order chicks delivered to his home in the 50-story building, but he denied claims that he has been raising the animals there, the New York Post reported Tuesday.
"I'm raising chickens because I plan to retire," Hyranyaz said. "The Post Office sends the chicks here. These are mail-order chicks."
"Everyone sees them, so they think I'm raising them. I keep them in a box overnight, and then I take them to the farm," he said.
However, Hyranyaz later said the chicks sometimes remain in their plywood pens in the building's basement for days before he takes them to the farm, the Post said.
He said Monday the most recent shipment arrived "Thursday or Friday, and I'll be taking them to the farm."
A spokeswoman for the New York City Health Department that while it is illegal to keep roosters in the city, there is no law against keeping chickens.
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Wife's YouTube rants banned from apartment
The judge said Tricia Walsh-Smith has the right to post videos saying whatever she wants to online, but he ordered her not to film the rants in the
Lawyers for her estranged husband, Philip Smith, sought the order after Walsh-Smith posted two videos on the Web site discussing her divorce and saying she never had sex with her husband, who is more than 25 years older then her, during their nine-year marriage.
Smith's lawyer, David Aronson, said Walsh-Smith filming the videos in the apartment invaded his client's privacy.
"She had a film crew in the apartment. She showed family pictures, his daughter," Aronson said in court.
Smith has sued his wife for divorce, claiming her behavior toward him has been cruel and inhuman, the Post said.
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Skeleton found in overgrown tree
Glenn Parker said he saw the skeleton in the tree after trimmers cleared some of the foliage for BellSouth phone line service crews, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported Tuesday.
The Broward Sheriff's Office said the death is believed to have been a suicide with no suspicion of foul play.
Parker said authorities are working to determine whether the bones belong to a former roommate of his who disappeared about one year ago.
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Mooning prom proposal leads to suspensions
Kristoff Wennersten said he wanted to do something special to ask fellow senior Carolyn Campbell to attend the prom, so he convinced his teammates to bare their backsides and paint the words "Will You Go To The Prom With Me? Yes or No?" on their rears during a varsity soccer game, the
However, Huron athletic director Dottie Davis said the lacrosse players were suspended for one day of school, barred from a undetermined number of games and ordered to perform 20 hours of community service.
"Inappropriate is inappropriate,"
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Total Control
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep.
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are nowhere to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills.
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Suicide Watch
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?
I also think about the death row prisoner in
Apparently, just to anger him.
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Deer
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eye and no leg
Still no eye deer