All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no
calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder
relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion
statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
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AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB . At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! France!! ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.....
Y'all gotta Keep this one circulating, please.!
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Timberrr!!!!!While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis."What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment."He fell out of a tree," I reported.The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree."I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
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How old is Grandpa???Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:' television' penicillin' polio shots' frozen foods' Xerox' contact lenses ' Frisbees and' the pill There were no:' credit cards' laser beams or' ball-point pens Man had not invented:' pantyhose' air conditioners' dishwashers' clothes dryers' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and<>' man hadn't yet walked on the moonYour Grandmother and I got married first, . And then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilegeWe thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening br! eeze st arted. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . But who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my ! day :' "grass" was mowed,' "coke" was a cold drink,' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' " chip" meant a piece of wood,' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?I bet you have this old man in mind... You are in for a shock!Pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. This man would be only 59 years old!
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Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror.Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps.Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking.Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and done the same. The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?". Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop." The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?" "Yep", said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on yall's forehead?" Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."