The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly-deaf old man
the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."
Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered. As he did,
the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with
his prescription.
The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear and
kept walking. When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained
what had happened.
The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register
saying to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A remote-controlled advertising blimp touting a Ford/Toyota dealership in
Chevrolet pickup drove up, got out, and shot at it with a shotgun, causing
$10,000 in damage.
A witness wrote down the truck's license number. Police say it's registered
to a nearby Chevrolet dealer.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I'm down the information
highway without a modem.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!
- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
- Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
- Uh-oh.
- I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
- Better crank up that anesthesia.
- I don't think that was supposed to come off.
- Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
- Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
- Hey... ...maybe the janitor knows what this is.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Walmart Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't
seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,
sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really
tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the
company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal
with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do
a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite
bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to
hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're
retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came
in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this
morning, sir?'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Grandpa's Driving
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say, 'Idiot!' afterwards."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men
can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are
at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Congratulations to the new Miss Universe. It's Miss Puerto
Rico. Is it just me or does it seem like the winner is always
from earth?" -Dave Letterman
***
"I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on
top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,
and I gave her a burrito." -Mitch Hedberg
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in
rural
a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the
trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers
explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming
toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she
said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench
crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Clean Breakfast
This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.
I bet you were mad.
Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Tearful Bride
A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Vern's Computer Tricks
Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
- A technician received a call from Vern complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
- Vern was asked to send a copy of his defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from Vern along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
- A technician advised Vern to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. Vern put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
- Vern called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
- An exasperated Vern to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked Vern what happened when he pushed the power button. His response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
- Vern called Tech Support to say his brand-new computer wouldn't work. He said he unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"