"Resume Help"
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.
I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes
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CleanQuote
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck
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"Perspective"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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Grocery Bag
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of
me had a large order.
As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom
gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk
quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
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As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
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Kids - Before and After
The 3 words you most want to hear from your husband are:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Let me help"
After 2nd child: "I'll change her"
The best toys are:
Before kids: wooden and educational
After 1st child: plastic and educational
After 2nd child: plastic and silent
The last restaurant you visited had:
Before kids: elegant tables, an innovative menu, impeccable service
After 1st child: clean tables, a children's menu, quick service
After 2nd child: an available table, the menu on the wall, self-service
You see a child having a tantrum in a store and you feel sorry for...:
Before kids: yourself
After 1st child: the child
After 2nd child: the mom
A home-cooked meal is...:
Before kids: 5 courses, plus wine
After 1st child: main dish, vegetable, and starch
After 2nd child: frozen macaroni and cheese
"Goodnight Moon" is...
Before kids: what?
After 1st child: a cute children's book
After 2nd child: memorized
Children should be potty trained...:
Before kids: as soon as possible
After 1st child: when the are developmentally ready
After 2nd child: sometime before they leave for college
You choose your grocery store based on...:
Before kids: selection
After 1st child: price
After 2nd child: a candy-free checkout lane
You call your mom on Mother's Day to say...:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Thanks, Mom"
After 2nd child: "Please forgive me for my childhood"
"Sesame Street" characters you can name are...:
Before kids: Big Bird, Grover, Oscar the Grouch
After 1st child: Elmo, Zoe, and Slimey the worm
After 2nd child: All of them
You spot your neighbors' child wearing striped tights, a flowered dress,
combat shoes, and a tiara and you think...:
Before kids: her mom needs some fashion tips
After 1st child: her dad needs some fashion tips
After 2nd child: won't she get too hot in tights?
You're waiting in line for a rest room when a mom dragging a toddler "in
need" enters. You...:
Before kids: wonder if the kid will make it
After 1st child: give up your place in line
After 2nd child: shout "let's move it, ladies, we have an emergency
here!"
- Parenting Magazine
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"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark
Twain