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Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly." Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table. All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines" and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll." Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way. To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."
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Don't Look Behind You
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something
wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows
stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician
explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be
able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one
standing behind me."
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A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.
He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
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Earl and Bubba
Two red necks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the
road drinking a couple of bottles of beer. The
passenger, Bubba, said "Lookie thar up ahead, Earl,
it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get
busted fer drinkin' these here beers !
Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the
label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the
bottles under the seat.
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out
of sight & put the labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"
" No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...
"Me and Bubba's on the patch."
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Is Bush right?
Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and
destruction. Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,
but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still
there?
Many of our children go there and never come back. Why
are we still there?
Their government was unstable, and they had loopy
leadership. Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still
there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, which we
are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still
there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do
not understand. Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to
ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still
there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost
billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why
are we still there?
It is becoming clear .. WE MUST PULL OUT OF
CALIFORNIA.
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Must read for hunters
On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days
off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing.
He was cruising along the campground in the
Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at
the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing
sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a
Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing
around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10
foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican
loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44
magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up
and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from
the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers
beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto
the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed
the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to
come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave
actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter
hatred between loggers and environmental activists,
but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not
true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his
buddies "Who was that guy ?"
"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all
God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about
bear hunting..... By the way, is the bait holding up
okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another
one?"