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A man was out sailing at sea in the middle of a storm when a particularly large wave overturned his boat. He fell into the sea and was forced to tread water to stay afloat.
He stayed there for several hours until a rescue helicopter flew overhead. A rope was lowered with a lifeguard worker on the end of it. He reached out to grab the man, but being very religious, he said, "No thank you. God will save me eventually." The helicopter flew off.
After another few hours, a lifeboat came along, but again
the man told them to go away, as God would save him.
Eventually, the man died of freezing in the water. As his
soul drifted up to heaven, he said to Saint Peter, "Why
didn't God save me?"
Saint Peter said, "He sent a rescue helicopter and a
lifeboat! What more did you want?"
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A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven." St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The Protestant woman says, "I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left also.
The Jewish woman tells St. Peter, "I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays, and took care of my family." St. Peter tells her to step to the right.
She immediately asks him, "Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"
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Redneck Painter
Gotta love them Rednecks !!! *j
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon
people from all over the country were coming to him
for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled
up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe
Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful
lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay
$50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his
cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to
wait while he went in the house and conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he re-turned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.
(Yeah, I know... but it is very funny [to me] so I
used it anyway... ed.)
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This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.
"It will give me time to run away," said the professor.
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POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met
with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this
room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on
this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda--try decaf. This ain't rocket
science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this
machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B
to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls
aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice.... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and
still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you
stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can
get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my
legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces
of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I
yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone,
are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ..
the door's wide open so you'll have the emer gency
hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And
that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me
dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi,
how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly
Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye
as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery
store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement,
she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on
and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps........