Car Shopping
A couple had been looking at new cars for months. He wanted a simple truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zoom through traffic and look like a princess. He would have settled for almost any old truck, but everything she wanted was way out of price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 220 in 5 seconds or less. Valentines Day is coming up and you should surprise me with something really really great this year!" Soon Valentines Day arrived and she un-wrapped her brand new bathroom scale.
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Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
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Have long marriages
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
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For The Kids...
What happened at the vampires race?It finished neck and neck! What's a vampire's favourite drink?A bloody mary! Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?It had a nervous breakdown! What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?"Auld Fang Syne"!
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I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in
Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and
ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory
Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very
interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.
They would reply, "How often is that?"
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A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just
so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some
machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
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There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
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Tough Life
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below. The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is, in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man. He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, a "Hey mana I've been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm. Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What's your deal?" The guy with No arms says, "Arrrrr - dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!" Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
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The bum on a street
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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Saving All The Seats
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
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For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?They read the sheet music! Why did Dracula go to the dentist?He had fang decay! What's the best way of seeing a witch?On the television!
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Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives'
birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and
have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went
to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the
job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk
seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and
anniversaries?" I asked.
"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.