"I bet that Van Gogh guy cut off his ear by accident and made
up that 'lost love' story so he wouldn't look stupid."
--Andy Pierson
***
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent
Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing
on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a
weapon.
***
"I don't have any kids. Well, at least none that I know about.
I'd like to have kids one day, though. I want to be called
Mommy by somebody other than Spanish guys in the street."
--Carol Leifer
+++++++++++++++++++
A group of junior-level executives were participating in
a management training program. The seminar leader pounded
home his point about the need to make decisions and take
action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log
and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would
you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five
because there is a difference between deciding to jump and
jumping."
+++++++++++++++++++
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the
library... The librarian quips after checking the books...
"Sir your books are always returned with the last page
missing in every single book..."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an
appendix when ever I see one."
+++++++++++++++++++
More on Speeding Tickets
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as
the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you
get a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cat Tails
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
+++++++++++++++++++
A monthly bill from the law firm
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
+++++++++++++++++++
First Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game. 'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said. 'What do you mean?' he asked. 'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Republicans are still angry about this 10-day-old MoveOn.org ad. You know, the General Petraeus, he betrayed us. And the Senate actually voted to condemn an ad. That's what your government did yesterday, they held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun it in. And then they had oreos and braided each other's hair." --Bill Maher "It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. ... And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader." --Jay Leno "But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill Maher "The White House has announced that during President Bush's last year in office, he's going to visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. Bush says he's going to accomplish all this in one weekend by going to Epcot Center." --Conan O'Brien "An MIT student named Star Simpson walked into Logan Airport in Boston today with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. ... She said it was art, but of course they took it very seriously. Police were called. In fact, it got so scary, it actually scared Senator Larry Craig right out of the airport men's room" --Jay Leno "Last night, yet another Democratic presidential debate. ... The Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. To win over the crowd, each candidate came out strongly against the War of 1812" --Conan O'Brien "The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that (jerk) on the Internet who says 'leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher
+++++++++++++++++++
Sometimes the spirit of the garbage disposal demands the offering of a
spoon.
+++++++++++++++++++
Employment HistoryTo pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
Failing Eyesight
An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on
her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight
was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her
because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a
plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.
She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet
from her front porch.
When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were
talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and
asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"
Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a
thing."
"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran
toward the tree, and collided with a cow.
+++++++++++++++++++
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call
Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention,"
he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at
the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't
realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
***
"My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living
will. It's a document that gives her the right, if I become
attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So
yesterday, I'm on the excercise bike..." -Jonathan Katz
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her
dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin
fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she
begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one
question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
+++++++++++++++++++
We had built our dream house several years ago, and
furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them.
Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new
bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the
driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve
years for this!"
"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this
morning."