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Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
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Here is today's Oneliner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
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Here is today's CleanPun. - St. Andreas
One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)... The patron saint of generosity.
In fact, people say he was generous to a fault.
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A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.
"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, my friends..."
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
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Bad Trip
My co-worker at the travel agency needed to send a letter of apology
to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to
finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug
out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the
date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled, then said, "We won't even need to
change the name."