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I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen. Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.
As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
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Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with
friends.
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"At Home"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
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Oneliner
"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."
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CleanPun - "Eskimo Dinner"
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when!"
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A few years ago, our local paper asked for submissions about our most memorable Christmas. I submitted the following and it was one of the winning entries. Two years have passed since I last shared it here on the PearlyGates list so I thought I would run it again. – Pastor Tim
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Laundry Rules
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you
do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be
worn many times before they smell bad enough to
warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw
up on them or something else that may be deemed
disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and
drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics
causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting to old to
crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the
hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can
now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong
way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and
becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring
hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke
children. So far, she has been able to refrain from
this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to
put something in the dirty clothes, do not later
decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve
it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving
behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped
through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the
laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and
over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the
laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces
of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No?
I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will
have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets becomes the
property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a
Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has
heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are
on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes
miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously
thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them
there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do
this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty,
why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them
back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try
something on and decide that it will not make the
fashion statement you were looking for that particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious
decision that it is easier to throw the item in the
dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy
of this household chore should be shared, and she has
been very selfish about this in the past. She also
feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without
it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would
not be in the best interest of your parents.
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10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so
I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool
comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled
shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....
why don't you try again or should I try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated
cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt
meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so
big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating,
insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at
Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was
betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you
think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I
bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now
it's in flames!!!