"Hamster Care"
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they wouldtake care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do youthink that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
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CleanQuote
"The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road."- Isak Dinesen
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"Church Attendance" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling guilty that it was a Sunday morning, that they were not attending church, and the fish were not biting.
The first guy eventually says: "I should have stayed home and gone to church."
To which the other angler replied: "I couldn't have gone to church, anyhow. My wife is sick in bed."
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Not for Lunch
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
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You Know It's Time To Diet When....
1. You dance and it makes the band skip. 2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. 3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. 4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. 5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." 6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. 7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. 8. You could sell shade. 9. Your blood type is Ragu. 10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
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Crocodile is longer
Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide. From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
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The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited
island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned
the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to
protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then
one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut
in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and
anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was
approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was
here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
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When our local doctor began attending church services the minister was
delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their
work, the minister referring people to the doctor,
and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note
prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased
until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
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You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.
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"Beef Prices"
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound"
The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of yourground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"