Irish Birth Control
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
The Father said, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?”
She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”
The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”
She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”
The Father said, “Well now, I'm going to
She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father.”
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?”
She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!”
The Father asked, “And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?”
She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!”
The Father said, “That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?”
She replied, “E's gone to
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Asking For New Shoes
Vern was standing before a
A lady approached the young boy and said, “My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!”
“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was Vern reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took my brother Vern to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the Vern’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, “No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.”
As she turned to go, the astonished Vern caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her, “Are you God's wife?”
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PET RULES
(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door @ nose height.)
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing, but sarcasm!
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years…canine and feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt or lick your own. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets,
I posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain about Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't!
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember dogs & cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college; and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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DAN’S Tea Set
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of Judy and Dan who was two years older than Dan. Dan was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from falling out of bed, an accident in which his arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given Judy a little 'tea set' as a gift. It was one of Dan’s favorite toys because he enjoyed pretending he was Judy’s little sister. Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when Dan brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch Dan bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, Dan came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. Then Mom said, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby Dan can reach to get water is the toilet?
Dan’s tea has improved little since that day!
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Comatose
Doctor to patient's husband: "I'm sorry. We did all that was humanly
possible but we just can't wake her from her coma. It doesn't look
good I'm afraid,"
"But doctor, she's so young. She's only thirty-nine."
Upon which the comatose wife said weakly ... "Thirty-seven."
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Quote of the Day
"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend"
~Abraham Lincoln
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True Frindship
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you..
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsiness....
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to your closest friends, Then get depressed because you can only think of a few.
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Angry Nuns Take On a Vampire
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the
bonnet of their car. "Quick, sister," screams one nun, "show
him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Hey!
You! Buzz off!"